Hunting Scoobies
by CiciRossi
Summary: Spike and Xander meet up with an unusual demon. Pre-slash.


"Oi! Whelp! Do'ya think you could be any louder?" Spike winced as Xander walked straight into a grave marker, banging his shin and letting out a pained yelp. "Anyway, how did I get stuck patrolling with you again, then?"

Xander shot him a look that spoke volumes of loathing. He limped toward the Spike, rubbing his abused leg and swearing quietly. "Nyeah, bleachboy, more like me stuck with you. And it's because Buff had that thing that she had to do tonight, which I don't know what it was, because she wasn't inclined to tell me. And then Wills and Tara and Anya decided they needed to have a girl power experience and left me with you." 

Spike favored the boy with his most annoying smirk as he lit one of his ever-present cigarettes. What did it say about him that he was beginning to enjoy his little sparring matches with the donut boy? Never want to let the lad know it of course, but if he had to be out on "patrol" with one of the Slayer's groupies, he would pick this boy for sheer entertainment value. Stealth, however, was not Xander's strong point. He sounded like a wounded bull moose stuck in quicksand, he did. The boy made so much noise that he might as well have one of those great flippin neon fingers pointing at him, flashing "Fresh Demon Bait" messages.

"Anyway, who cares how loud I am?" Xander gestured to Spike's glowing smoke. "Any demon worth his slimy green skin could smell us a mile away with you sucking down those disgusting things." Xander hopped up on a headstone and pulled his pants leg up to his knee. "I think I broke my leg, and it's all your fault, oh biteless one."

"Ey! My fault how, Chubs?". Spike affected a fairly convincing wounded expression. He flicked his smoldering butt off to one side and leaned down to get a good view of Xander's injured shin. The appendage in question was already sporting a beautiful, purplish red bruise, but Spike was certain that nothing was seriously damaged. "Looks fine to me. Didn't even break the skin, did you? Could have me a snack if you had."

Xander made gagging noises. "That's just... ew, Spike. Like I would let you lick my leg like a vampire Popsicle. Oh, that's just wrong!"

Spike smiled to himself at the image of a blood covered Xander and of himself licking the boy all over. He looked up, about to make a snarky remark about the youth's delicate sensibilities and froze at the sight that greeted him over Xander's shoulder. 

Xander, meanwhile, was expecting the next smart-assed remark about whose fault it was that he was hurt, or about blood dipped legs, and glanced up when it didn't come. Spike assumed the look on his face must be unique, because Xander surely did look like he didn't want to know what put it there. The boy's unholy curiosity won in the end, though, because he asked, "Spike? Buddy? Pal? What is it?"

"Ummm, well pet, I'm not real sure what it is." Spike did not take his eyes off of what had appeared behind Xander. "But it bears a striking resemblance to a cartoon I saw once. Y'know with the big, hairy red monster and the demented rabbit. Right in back of you it is. Don't quite seem to know what to make of us though, so maybe if we just hold real still....", Spike trailed off as the demon bent down to sniff Xander like an overlarge dog.

Xander jumped. "Eeep! It's sniffing me Spike. It's not gonna lick me is it? I don't think I could take that." Xander was babbling, but could not seem to make himself stop. Spike watched a rough tongue scrape up the side of Xander's neck then the whelp was on his feet and three feet behind Spike before the monstrous demon licking him could even blink. "It licked me! Gah!" Xander peeked over Spike's shoulder at the demon that was now making ominous grumbling noises. Eight feet tall give or take, and Bigfoot like, with masses of dark red hair all over it's body. The shoulders were a yard wide and the head so small that it did indeed look like a classic cartoon monster. It was staring at the pair of them with glowing red eyes, growling. 

More interesting (or intimidating) to Spike were the things' arms, which were long, corded with muscle and tipped with razor sharp claws. Claws that extended three inches beyond the ends of the monster's fingers. The demon looked back and forth between the two men as if uncertain of which one of them it should attack first. And while Spike was usually the first vamp up for a good, hard fight, he really didn't want to take this one on. He inched away from Xander, moving to his right, separating them further in hopes of adding to the demon's confusion.

"Spike?"

"Yes pet?"

"Um, where are you going? Is it gonna attack us? Should we run? And do you realize you only call me pet in stressful, life threatening situations?". While Xander talked the creature cocked his head in a listening attitude and stared at the boy. Its tongue lolled out like a playful puppy's and revealed two inch canines. Xander darted a desperate look at Spike just as he managed to put a good three feet between them. "Spike!?", came out in a high, girly squeak.

"Right here pet. And the answers are away, probably, yes and thank you for pointing that out." Spike spared the whelp a quick glance and found him frowning in concentration, presumably trying to work out the order of the questions that he answered. Spike rolled his eyes and turned his attention back to the demon that was starting, in the way of minor mountains, to move toward them. "Okay pet. He don't look too fast. Or too bright. You run left, and I'll run right, and we'll meet up back at the watcher's place, yeah?"

Xander looked like he would protest, then obviously thought better of it when the demon gave a growl like a semi truck and poured on the forward locomotion. Xander turned to his left and sprinted off through the graveyard. Spike took off in the opposite direction as if someone had opened a sunny window on his ass. The red demon gave an deep throated roar and ran in circles for about four revolutions before deciding to go after the slower human. It charged off in Xander's wake, leaving craterous footprints in the soft soil.

Spike was at the gates of the cemetery before he realized that the demon was not following him, but had gone after Xander instead. He felt a niggling sense of guilt and tried to shrug off. He would just head for Rupe's place. Surely the whelp could outrun the shaggy giant. Except he did hurt his leg. And unlike Spike he did have to breathe. Bugger all! Spike headed off in the direction he figured Xander should be coming from, and hoped like Hell the stupid git was okay. He could hear the demon long before he could see it, because it was baying like a bloodhound on scent. In fact, Spike was so intent on the sounds coming from the overgrown Irish setter that he did not hear the pounding footsteps, or heartbeat, of the whelp until Xander plowed into him from out of nowhere. 

One moment the two men were running towards each other, and in the next they were airborne, practically clotheslining one another. Xander's feet rose until he was horizontal instead of vertical, and he hung suspended for endless seconds before crashing to the ground. Hard. Spike swung around in a half circle and his feet shot out in separate directions, forcing him into a split any demonic cheerleader would be proud of. He landed with an elbow in Xan's stomach and heard what breath Xander had regained whoosh out of his lungs.

They lay on the grass, whooping for breath. The demon was transfixed for long moments by the splendid ineptitude of the performance, and skidded to a halt some feet away from the writhing tangle of arms and legs to simply stare at them. Then it crouched, preparing to spring, flexing its claws and wagging its stubby tail. Spike managed to push himself to his knees, and dragged a moaning Xander up with him.

"This is bloody well what I get for trying to help you pet!" He pushed Xander forward, and toppled him over again onto all fours. "I say I let him have you! Anyone as stupid as you deserves what he gets. C'mon, ya big hairy git. It's Xander season!"

Dark eyes flashed as Xander looked over his shoulder at Spike. He scrambled backwards, crablike, until he was behind Spike. He kicked the blonde hard and the vampire dropped forward much as Xander had a few moments before. "Uh uh! Not me. It's Spike season."

"Xander season!"

"Spike season!"

"Xander season!"

"Spike season!"

"Arghhhh!!!!" Xander swatted Spike hard on his ass, then, as if just remembering the threat to their lives, turned back to the demon. The creature was looking back and forth between the two maniacs on the ground like it was watching a tennis match. Finally, it shook itself like a large sheepdog and bounded forward, catching both the blonde and the brunette up in monstrous arms before they could move away. Spike struggled mightily, but his arms were pinned to his sides and his legs kicked uselessly at tough demon skin. Xander closed his eyes and went stiff as death while the demon lowered its oddly small head toward his face.

Spike watched the demon lick Xander full in the face. He barely heard Xander's "ewwwww" over the sound of the demon's tongue rasping against his own face and neck. The red monster alternated, licking both men until their hair was standing straight up in cowlicks and their faces were wet with demon doggy spit. All the while it made playful little yips and whines.

A sharp whistle spilt the night air and the creature's head snapped up. The two astonished Scoobies saw a small, violently lavender demon appear out of the bushes off to their right. He carried a long leash with a collar attached, and had the look of someone past all patience. "Mortimer! Drop!", he commanded.

Xander and Spike landed unceremoniously on their asses in the dirt as the shaggy red demon let them go. Tongue lolling in a canine grin, the creature ran to the much smaller demon and presented his ears for scratching. "Bad bad boy. Getting away from daddy like that. Bad Mortimer. He scared daddy, didn't he?" Spike and Xander watched in astonishment as the huge demon prostrated himself in front of the little guy and whined. 

The purple midget turned to them and blinked wide, owlish eyes. "Can't thank you enough for finding him. So glad you spent time playing, yes he just loves to play, he does." He continued to mumble thanks as he clipped the collar he carried around Mortimer's neck. Then he pulled the much larger demon off into the night, scolding lightly as it growled and yipped. "Yes, yes I know you wanted to hug them and squeeze them and call the George, but really...", Spike heard as they disappeared from view. 

Spike and Xander stared at one another for long moments after the odd pair left the scene. Then they grinned stupidly at each other; soon they burst out laughing. They rolled on the ground together, giggling like loonies. Somehow, Spike figured, they both knew the Slayer would never believe this one.

End


End file.
